An anonymous comment prompted me to revisit my livejournal – I have neglected this baby so much that its existence was slowly fading off my memories. As I read my past entries, I began to have numerous flashbacks of the many incidents that occurred in these recent years. Back then, it felt like eternity as I kept pleading to God for those gloomy days to end. As I looked back now, I realised how foolish and naive I was. Actually, I am still naive (haha) but towards other aspects of my life.
I do believe every single year of my life is a huge learning curve. That is largely because I never fail to screw up most of my years growing up! Haha, those years were so dramatic that my parents probably aged by a decade fretting over my well-being every single day. Thinking back, I felt ashamed to let them worry about me over the slightest issue. That is the drawback of being the youngest in the family where your life is mostly well taken care of and you grow up being reliant and spoilt.
To date, I still think back about the life I had 10 years ago. I thought about how much of a party girl I was during poly days; thought about how overwhelmed (with joy) I felt when I started SMU; thought about how overwhelmed (with fear and depression) I felt when I realised I couldn’t cope with SMU standards; thought about how I actually miss SMU only after I graduated; thought about how proud my parents were at Convocation and at the same time, how ashamed I felt as I didn’t study hard enough; thought about my first high-paying job at Barclays; thought about how my Barclays working hours resumed my nightlife but strongly deteriorated my relations with my family, friends and partner; thought about the difficult period I had with my partner in 2009; thought about how I was resolute to get out of high-paying job at Barcaps; thought about getting into IDS as a marketing MT and learning so much every single bloody day; thought about how to move on with my life from here on.
In 2011, I really felt that I have grown by quite a bit – definitely wiser but, still naive =( I personally thought I was quite street smart but I was really proven wrong. This society requires an individual to be more than just street smart. And due to my constant self-reflections, I am pretty much convinced that I am not cut out for climbing the corporate ladder. Haha to be honest, I prefer spending my life caring for abandoned/abused/stray dogs. It is a noble dream but I have absolutely no idea if this dream will ever materialise because, I have to consider many other realistic aspects such as financials, family (current and future), my role as a daughter, wife and mother.
On a separate note, I suppose to draft out my NY resolutions but work has been a bitch. I love my job but it does get extremely overwhelming at many times. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. This sentence reside deeply in my mind because there were twice that work nearly made me hit an Armageddon – to make things layman, my life was nearly destroyed as I couldn’t deal with the stress properly.
Since that time, I changed – I had to if I want to live beyond 75 years with no hypertension. Haha work was and will still be a bitch. Life goes on, we have to let go and move on. Loving the imperfections is cliché. And I don’t think I will ever love imperfections but I will learn to accept and move on.
PSS: One of my weakness in writing is endly abruptly. I was often scolded but old habits die hard, haha. I am sorry.
- :
sick
You can tell me how good i am (words), stab my wound (actions) and come telling me you don't mean it (intent) - Is this really how human relations and trust works? If that's the case, i am better off not living if that is the protocol of the society. I refused to conform! And also, i no longer know how much i truly matter to some people. There are some friendships that i am skeptical about because it seems like, i have been forgotten.
I don't deny that my working hours is hindering some well-deserved time spent with my friends but we all have to adapt to each other and make the best out of everything. Unless i quit my job!
Sorry that i have been ranting but i am seriously fuckin' pissed at some people / friends in my life.
Was just reading a friend's blog and she was thinking about her dream wedding. I didn't caught fann wong and chris marriage because,
1) I am working.
2) No point because, it will just instill more unnecessary expectations for what i want on my wedding.
3) Don't wanna end up chasing away my husband to be, like SATC. haha.
Yes its good to have expectations but is it realistic? We are so caught up with society standards that when we don't stand on the same footing as everyone else, we consider ourselves as a failure. Every single girl craves for a dream wedding but what exactly defines a dream wedding???
A wedding that resembles a fairytale? Photoshoots at Maldives? Fairytales won't exist, and so won't your wedding.
or
A wedding that holds at St Regis - mega grand with christine dior, valentino gowns etc. Sure if you're mega RICH and willing to splurge.
I blamed society and the lack of control and discipline in people for letting themselves be influence by the standards that i deemed unrealistic. Yes i crave for that but i face reality as well.
It's ironic on how people(the ladies) can go on and on talking about dream wedding and how the attention should be on the newly weds when, they don't even take into account their husbands-to-be feelings? It is easy to go on saying "i want this i want that" because it is a "once-in-a-lifetime" experience but have we all realized that, this is the very mentality that could possibly hinder a good marriage?
Why do people get married? To have a ONE-DAY grand wedding or to want to live together as soulmates? Sometimes you can't really have both unless you guys are mega-rich and your hubby is mega-romantic. As i said time and time again, i crave for a dream wedding (who doesn't) but when i get a simple wedding, i will be contented and happy because that wedding day is not the key thing of marriage - It is really the life and responsibility after marriage.
Eileen and i met up for a short lunch and she mentioned something critical - having children before and after 30 could post some possible danger to the infant and mother. I am still pondering over this with Jin and hopefully when things are more stable, we are able to discuss our future on marriage and kids. Sigh, 6 years is such a short time. I have way to many things to do. To incorporate having kids into that 6 years makes time even shorter now.
My life for the past months was a complete destruction. I felt that, i probably deserved it. Am patiently waiting for the day whereby i could gather enough courage to blog out the things that happened. But i guess i couldn't. I wanted miracle. But i believe miracles are given to people who deserves it.
I don't :(
As how sis puts it, "Death by love". I fall prey to love every single time. Love could give me happiness yet sadness at the same time. It doesn't matter how problematic a relationship is but when there is assurance that both parties are there for each other, everything else falls nicely into place.
I constantly hear people commenting about how their bfs not doing this and that and how annoyed they were over many many things. Trust me ladies, you weren't wanna be in my shoes. All these expectations are NOTHING but unnecessary problems you are all creating for yourself.
Take the time to think and CHERISH what you have, instead of complaining what you don't!
I hope we will make it - our final lap.
